THE NON-FLYING FEMALE's GUIDE TO PARAGLIDING
Author: A Few Bored Pilots
“The Strategist Approach”
She usually arrives on the hill with a group 4-5 male pilots. It’s unflyable. The flying day becomes a “para-waiting day”. After 2 hours a bored pilot starts conversation with the girl. They go for a walk. One thing leads to another and another 2 hours later the couple return to announce to the other pilots that are “engaged”, and plan to marry within the next 3 months.
“The Blond Bimbo”
She’s usually blonde, big breasted and proclaims to “Love Paragliding!”. However, she never actually inflates a glider herself, although will request the odd tandem-flight from time to time. She usually arrives on the hill on warm, sunny days, fully equipped with a picnic basket, fold up deck chair, cooler-box with refreshments and G-string bikini. Pilots hang around most of the day instead of flying, hoping it will be their turn to rub suntan lotion onto her exposed areas.
“The Porker”
Usually slightly overweight and a favorite amongst other NFF’s for her gossiping skills. She knows everything about everybody else’s business! She arrives on the hill with a picnic basket and 2 cooler-boxes of food and drink. She spends the day feeding herself and her friends, whilst they skinner about all the male pilot's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, wives & ex-wives, etc. Very popular with other NNF's.
“The Dark Horse”
Usually extremely quiet under normal circumstances. However, when she is alone with a small group of male pilots; she makes continual suggestions about going skinny-dipping (instead of sitting on the hill) and sharing a bath/jacuzzi later with all the other pilots, at the same time.
“The Nymphomaniac”
Usually arrives on the hill with another NFF. She normally has a strange cattish-like look in her eyes. She carefully selects her prey and within 1 hr pretends she is going for a “walk” with her prey… They come back after 2 hours, hand in hand and looking oddly familiar.
“Once and Never Again”
Arrives on invitation from a pilot on the hill in skimpy shorts and a t-shirt. No one told her it would be freezing cold on the hill. She spends the day shivering and huddled up behind a cold rock, trying to shelter from the freezing wind, whilst the pilot spends around 5 hours ridge-soaring in his sheep-skin lined leather flight-suit.
“The Camerawoman”
Arrives on invitation from a pilot on the hill to find there’s a camera and a video camera available. She volunteers to be camerawoman for the day. Feeling somewhat guilty, the camera owner agrees. She spends the rest of the day running up and down the length of the hill, shooting off rolls and rolls of film. When someone thermals over the back, she jumps in a car and races down the mountain after him, so that she can use up the last of the film.
“The Arty-Farty-Crafty Expert”
Arrives on the hill equipped with a large picnic-type blanket to sit on; a deck chair, and several baskets of cross-stitching and knitting patterns and apparatus. Is usually quite content to be a NFF, until such a time as she gets cold, hungry, tired or grumpy, or all of the above. These NFF’s usually make excellent wives.
“The Chef”
Arrives on the hill armed with several cooler-boxes containing enough food to feed an army. Spends the entire day preparing a variety of meals for all the pilots and their friends. She completes her act with a selection of desserts, chocolates, coffee, and alcohol. These NFF’s are immensely popular with Pilots and other NNF's.